pneumonia white

The last supper

2011-09-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

(clothes: le petit petit. sunglasses: chanel)

I love u

Loved ones. I think u have seen it coming. By the time your read this my life on this blog will be over.

There are many reasons. Most of them just hinted in the vague threats by my lawyer. I tell u, there are MANY things my part of Hollowood don't want the world to know. (And there's no shortage of lawyers here either). And as much as I don't WANT 2 care about those things, I do. I'm spoiled and afraid, and ever since Black disappeared, I'm also lonely.

Also, this blog has grown to big for me. Every DAY I get mails from around the world telling me what a rich bitch I am. And even WORSE: Everyday I get mails telling me how beautiful I am. How people look up to me. But I am NO Role Model. I'm an anxiety ridden wreck that runs on fantasies and self-loathing.

(There are also other things, weird dreams that started to come alive with this blog, and that I hope will die with it)

All this aside, YOU have changed my life for the better, and THAT I can never repay. If I EVER get my life back, I'll b back, right here, with U, the only place I felt safe, in a long time.

Love and blessings
Pneumonia

My black heart

2011-08-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

(Trenchcoat - Max Mara)

I miss u.

Touch my blouse

2011-08-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

Things I wish I didn't remember:
The way dad's friends looked @ me when I was fourteen.
How I once let one of them touch my blouse.

Or that one time @ Hilton when a man bought me a glass of wine because he liked my shoes and I drank it without a word while staring @ the Jil Sander boots I just stole.

I guess that's what loneliness really feels like.

Money and guns

2011-08-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Feels like my head is an empty vault. I wake up, walk outside, lay down on the grass and gaze @ the sky. I don't even bother to pour my madeira into one of granny's crystal glasses, I just bring the whole bottle. Sometimes I fumble my way through her wardrobes until I fall asleep in a pile of designer clothes on the floor.
Things just keep getting more and more strange. Ppl want me to delete this blog and "shut the fuck up about things that's not mine to share". The attorney came 4 a visit last night. An american spirit in the corner of the mouth, sweat dripping, shirt buttoned wrong.
"You have to be careful with what you say." He said. "Not everyone is your... friend."
I just stared @ a point above his head.

Yeah, there are crazy ppl out there, and some of them have money and weapons and a lot to hide. But "the real world" is like a blurry photo to me. I can't see the motive, no matter how close I look.

Truth is: I'm not allowed to give you (or anybody else) any details about the funeral. Or about granny. Or about other stuff I've been planning to tell you. But I'm fed up to the ears with secrets, so I'm think I'm gonna reveal them anyway. If you want me to?

<3

My Paris BF

2011-08-19T03:55:00.000-07:00

Dark sky, Madeira by the pool. The days without Black are starting 2 feel like one long red-wine soaked autumn.

I have some news about the FUNERAL, but first.

*

I've gotten many comments and emails asking me 4 more romance in general and more Evan in particular. I'll tell u more about that very soon, until then, let me tell u about my Paris BF.

*

"Johnny with a J" he called himself, pronounced with a VERY french accent. Maybe the name should've been a warning signal, but I was drunk and sad and found it sort of endearing.

Anyway. I remember Johnny wore 600$ Louis Vuitton slippers, smoked black tobacco and could stare in AWE @ his own naked body in the mirror for hours.
"You KNOW it's only an urban legend" i once said "in REALITY the male genitalia don't grow larger by u staring @ them"

*

And I remember Johnny's fist hitting my still open mouth. The weird sound, the taste of metal.

And I remember smudging the blood from my lips to my white dress asking if he thought it matched my shoes?
And I remember him answering that question by stating that I was a "fucking mental case" It was a term he had picked up in a british movie and used about most people that did anything he didn't understand (roughly the entire population of France and, ok, all other countries)
But in my case I guess he was spot on. Not even a hobby psychiatrist could dispute THAT diagnosis.

It was, all in all, the most memorable experience in our relationship.

*

Back home I tell Zombie the story of Johnny and he asks what made me so horny for affirmation.
"I'm a horny girl." I say.
"Well don't look @ ME with those droopy eyes" he sez "I havn't been inside a woman since my first birthday, and she did NOT seem to enjoy it."
And I say "ha ha ha"
"Speaking of pain" he sez "do you wanna go to that Dior party?"

And against all sound judgement (must b the temperature) I hear myself say "sure".

So saturday me and Zombie are off to Dior.
I've got a feeling it's gonna b memorable.

Pleasures, underground

2011-08-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

"The most intense pleasures occur in despair."

*

What do u want, heaven or hades? Rainbows or dirt?

Nightmare

2011-08-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

I see something in the corner of my eye, but when I turn around there's nothing there. Maybe I've finally fallen asleep. But I can't b sure, can I?

Close my eyes I close my eyes and try try try to drift away. On a cloud, 2 a place where time doesn't exist and everyone I know is still alive.

Almost killed by the hollywood sign

2011-08-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

I can't STAND it. The heat makes me dizzy. I take granny's old -47 Buick Cabriolet out of the garage and I KNOW it's a mistake, something that will have consequences (I vaguely remember something the gardener said bout oil pressure and brakes) but I can't think straight and I need 2 get away.

*

Then I drive north up Roscomare, fast, under the huge sycamore trees and it is strange cause it feels like I'm looking 4 something even though I'm NOT. (You know, like in a dream when u know that something's gonna happen even though you DON'T know) but I don't care because I look beautiful, dressed in my red Celine matching the white leather interior and I drive even faster uphills, along the park towards the canyon.

*

Winding road, cacti skyline, smells of asphalt and dead bushes and then, suddenly, I REMEMBER. I pull over 2 the side of the road and then I'm there, as if I never left -

*

I'm in the back seat of the same car, but the sun. It's different 'cause it's still 1996 and the white leather is hot against the thin white fabric of my Prada dress. Viktor is by my side, of course (he's ALWAYS next 2 me in my memories) holding my hand hard as the car speed up on the narrow road.
Between us is Aloysius but HE can't talk yet - no, not until after Viktor's funeral - but he smiles @ our fear, and his smile makes US smile and then daddy turns halfway towards us, half towards mother.
"There it is!" he sez pointing proudly, breath stingy with Gogol vodka "do you see it kids? The only sign the whole world knows how 2 spell"
And we watch, in awe. H-o-l-l-y-w-o-o-d the letters spell but the whole world doesn't include ME and VIKTOR cause 2 us it's no more than some weird wooden symbols and then mother shouts.
"Keep your eyes on the road you idiot" and daddy yanks the steering wheel, saving us all from being another figure in the Mulholland Drive Crash Statistics down @ BA police station and then we all giggle, half in relief and half cause we are a FAMILY and we giggle @ each others peculiarities, like daddy being an absentminded drunk that quite often almost kills us all.

*

The honking of a truck wakes me up and I realize I'm sort of parked in the middle of the road, and THEN I see the bird. He's sitting on the edge of the ditch just in front of me, gray feathers shining like metal dust and when he sees me he spreads his wings and disappears and I just gaze after him, but then the truck honks again so I give it the finger, start the engine and drive towards the sign and the sadness of my memories is transformed into something… else and then I open my hand.

And I look @ the golden key.
And for the first time, it hits me. I think I know where it fits!

This weeks monsters

2011-08-13T02:56:00.000-07:00

Again, insomnia and this weird sadness. Then in the lonely hours I read what you wrote of me and I blush and everything I put into this is again worthwhile.

♥ Insolente Parisienne

♥ Its not just a bag

♥ The Ordinary Peoples

♥ Le Petit blog

I love you all from the bottom of my Karelian heart.

Insomnia

2011-08-12T02:55:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep.

It's that stupid gray bird. He's out there in the darkness somewhere hidin' and just as I'm about to doze off he makes this sad cry as 2 remind me my own loneliness.

What's the cure 4 insomnia?

Fashion pt. 1: how to match loneliness

2011-08-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

(Pale skin: Sunblock & Shade.)

Vintage lace, a stormy sky, madeira, madeira stains, a talking bear, ancient useless guns, repulsively expensive underwear.

*

What else?

*

Update: why do ppl think of loneliness as an obviously bad thing? (At least, I know I don't.)

Updated: Zombie's secret

2011-08-11T04:04:00.000-07:00

It is late now. Outside the soft Bel Air darkness has fallen, and I sit here in my grandmother's bed, in my grandmother's house in my grandmother's city. Alone with my memories.
-The duck with the broken wing me and Viktor found by the creek and got 2 keep. For five weeks feeding him cornflakes, Sprite and love until one morning his box was empty.
-Sunday shopping with dad @ the mall.
-Me overhearing mom complain 2 dad 'bout the stench from the "fucking duck carcass" in the dumpster.
-The 164 cigarettes me and Evan smoked behind the fence towards the hill (yes, I counted them)
-Me leaving Evan 4 Europe. Without a word.

*

Life is strange. Now I'm back, and all I can think about is the person I left without a word.

*

But until Evan returns I will make do with what I've got. And what I've got is a 52 year old homosexual nobleman from France called Zombie and lives in one of the half hidden guest houses in granny's back garden.

My new found friend believes Hollywood is as interesting as a Dancing Bear with a strange red hat. "Interesting 2 watch perhaps, but not someone you ask for guidance in spiritual matters."

Apart from despising Hollywood, Los Angeles and USA in general he also has this obsessive idea of "hanging out" with me.
Strangely enough he seems 2 have some sort of influence, because there's a lot of important lookin' people comin' and goin' in his small back-yard shed.

And oh yeah - he will stay until the funeral.

*

(It's all, I'm sure, grandmother's idea of humor. I can almost hear her laugh from wherever they keep her now.)

*

Finally, 2 celebrate my loneliness I've spent the evening writin' something extra 4 you diehards. It's about Evan.

Show encrypted text

*

Press "Like" on Facebook below and then visit my Facebookpage 2 get the password.
(Yeah I KNOW there's a lot of Facebook begging these days but that's the only way 4 me 2 know what u ppl want. And I'm nothing but a slave 2 ur affirmation)

Evan and the gray bird

2011-08-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

(Dress: The salvation army)

As you remember, Black, my best friend and Achilles left me a week ago. Said she was going 4 a walkabout. Well, today the loneliness of grannie's house was 2 much 4 me, and I went down 2 Chateau 2 try their vodka in the company of… well… myself… and I must've been good company, because I don't think it was more than 2 p.m. before I was really drunk and just sat there, by the pool trying (as now) not 2 think of Viktor and dad and granny, when I saw a dark figure in the corner of my eye and I turned just in time 2 see her disappear behind the wall.

*

I know it can't b her but I know it's her, and I follow her and when I'm @ the corner I see her.
She's by her car stuffing huge crates of something into the trunk, but she doesn't see me and I'm just about 2 shout when I feel a hand gripping my shoulder and I turn and it's…
Evan?

*

I close my eyes (the sun against my eyelids, the color of blood) but when I open them he's still there.
He puts his finger over his lips like he wants 2 silence me and then points 2 something up on the hotel roof.
A gray bird?
And I stare @ the bird like, I don't know, it's supposed 2 mean something.
Then I look back and Evan is gone and Black is gone and instead there is this small mexican guy politely (but with some ice in his voice) asking me if "I want the check before I leave".

Pneumonia the hipster whore

2011-08-10T04:23:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I'm "hyped" and "celebrity blogger" and (drumroll) :

1. Get invited 2 the opening of Victorias Secret in Pasadena.
2. Get 25 free cans of Monster if I pick them up @ some downtown adress.
3. Get asked if I want to b guest in spanish 2pm talkshows. I tell them I don't speak spanish and they tell me no problemo - Mexican guys loves blond girls, especially if they don't talk so much.

*

Also, I've gotten my share of haters. They comment here and write me on Facebook also saying my "hype" soon will end and that they want 2 kill me. All anonymous of course, 2 bad cause tonight I sort of want to take them up on that offer.

*

Aloysius sez the haters have a point. That my current header makes me look like some "wannabe hipster".
But on the other hand he told me I looked like a "giggeling whore" @ the Gucci party when I accidentally laughed @ something one of the french guys said.

Guess that makes me a Hipster Whore. Kinda catchy nickname, no? Sort of reminds me of how people used to talk 2 me in highschool.

*

Anyway. U agree with Aloysius that my design look like a hipster whore? And if you do, is that a bad thing?
Or should I change it? I've gotten a new design from a fan.

*

I'm tired and want 2 sleep. Please haters, leave this post alone.

GMA morning

2011-08-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

(Dress: Malo SS 2009)

HEAT. Sweat, flesh and no where 2 hide. @ least not outside.
So I spent the morning walking through granny's wardrobes. Smell of mothballs, old perfume and expensive fabric.
As I walked in and out of the walk-through closets I realized.
Must b a million $ only in FABRIC there.

*

Btw, the other day by the pool.
It WAS the attorney callin' . Of course.
"Do you have it?" he asked and I froze. DID I have it?
I went inside and I looked in the drawer and THERE it was. How could I've forgotten? I took the tiny golden key in my hand, it felt weirdly heavy and quite cold against the skin of my palm.
"Sure" I said "I've got it.
I tried to say it casual, but my heart pounded violently.
"Now what do you want me I do with it?"
"Hold on to it" he said.
And b4 I could say anything else he hung up and I just stood there, heart still pounding. Was I dreaming?

Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps

2011-08-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

(Nightgown: vintage Christian Dior)

TODAYS OUTFIT: In a rusty metal box behind the collected works of Shakespeare I find a bottle of perfume. With dusty, shaky fingers I remove the cap and let one drop fall into my left palm. Then I lick it. Mouth filled with a faint taste of roses and sweat.

UPDATED: Black's secret key

2011-08-07T14:27:00.000-07:00

(Jacket from Le Petit Petit, Sunglasses from Cutler and Gross)

This morning I woke up with the feeling that TODAY something had changed, something subtle, something I didn't understand yet. I got to my feet and put on one of granny's Vuitton robes and went out into the garden and dived into the pool and not until THEN, when the white whirling water surrounded me did I start to remember...

The phone call from Black.
The bird in the garden. (The same one as in Karelia?)
The dream I will tell u about l8tr.

Then I got up from the pool and Zombie stood there waiting.
"Some old man" he said, holdin up my cell "wants 2 talk 2 u."

******
"I've caught Pneumonia"
So many of you write beautiful things about me. I'm gonna try linkin to SOME of you.
http://thewildchilddiaries.blogspot.com/2011/08/ive-caught-pneumonia.html
http://textbook.tumblr.com/post/8083910943/pneumonia-white-worth-the-read
http://www.itgirlsinterrupted.com/2011/07/pneumonia-white.html
http://mysticmedusa.com/tag/pneumonia-white-horoscopes/

If you written how cute I am, please mail me, my need for AFFIRMATION is bottomless.

******
UPDATE; Sorry in my head it's all so clear, or maybe not but ok: Zombie = Sombreoguy = Mr (even more) Mysterious.
I think it's time I tell you about Zombie.

Fabric and fever

2011-08-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

(Skirt - bleached Haider Ackermann)

Sorry I keep you waiting. There's a storm in my head.

An unexpected phone call

2011-08-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

(Dress: Alice + Olivia)

Sittin on my bed, heart beating, staring @ my phone, sweating.
Yes. Grannys aircondition is broke AGAIN and five mexican "repairmen" succeeded in no more than expressing in different ways how "old old old" the system was and opening my windows towards the garden, but the faint night breeze barely moves the linen curtains and the damp august heat makes my thoughts slow and my body heavy and as I stare @ the phone I still can't belive it.

SHE called.

Yes. Just a minute ago!
I was almost asleep when my cell rang. Half dreaming, with a weird feelin. I reached 4 it and I was SURE it was the attorney. (He's b'n callin me all day about the FUNERAL and how some "choir" needs 2 c my speech) but I DON'T wanna talk abouth DEATH in this heat and I was just about 2 shut off the phone of when I saw the name.

BLACK

And I answered.
"Hello?" I whispered.
"Hey darlin" her voice warm and dark and calm as always "how u doin?"
Mouth dry.
"I'm…I'm…" I stammered quietly, then I couldn't hold back.
"…where ARE u Black?" I almost wept "What r u DOIN? Come back 2 me, I miss u and…"
I had 2 force back my tears so she didn't hear how helpless I felt but I couldn't help hearing her smiling there in the darkness on the other end of the line.
"I'm where I have to b my love" she said "and I'll b back when I've finished the things I have 2 finish. Until then I want 2 ask you 2 b strong and call the attorney. He's got news 4 you."
"T..t…the attorney? But what do u know of the attorney, and why?"
But as I spoke I knew she had already hung up. And then I sat there in the humid darkness, staring @ the phone.

Somewhere in the garden a bird screeched.
What is happening?

Big news

2011-08-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

(Cape: M M Margiela)

I have big news coming up. Stay tuned my baby bunnies!

A La Recherche De Temps Perdu part I

2011-08-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

(Basque: Agent Provocatore. Panties: La Perla. Lingerie war!)

I remember lit class back in Karelia.
"Everyone" teacher sez "has their own Madeleine cake. Just close your eyes and try 2 remember".
And everyone remembers. Blueberry pie, freshly picked green tomatoes, the smell of bread in the oven and then it's my turn and I close my eyes and then I remember.
"If I were Proust" I say it loudly -proudly "MY madeleine cake would b a bucket of Serax"

Now. Do you want to hear more about my childhood?
Press like on Facebook below.

*

Btw, the attorney left 2 messages on my vociemail. First asking me for a draft of my speech, then saying something about a choir and a key, that I'm supposed 2 have.

Memories of Black part I

2011-08-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

(Dress: Vintage Valentino)

Distant sounds of traffic woke me from my dreams. Outside, white sky and a breathtakingly clear day. I put on grannys old silk robe, the one she took from the set design of Ben Hur and then, I sit there.
By the pool. Alone by the pool. In the shade reading grannys old invitations 2 parties that Black found in the attic.

The 20 year anniversary of Bel Air Golf Club with Sinatra singing.
The première from the new italian designer Mr E. Armani.
A Cocktail with the cast for the Misfits at Chateau Marmont

And every minute, every letter I miss her more. Who do I miss? I miss granny, I miss my mother I miss myself when I was that kid with big blue eyes and firm belief that the mystery out there was a good one but most of all I miss Black.

I close my eyes and remember.

"Two kids reading too much Shakespeare, makin' perfume out of roses …"

Show encrypted text

If you want the password, go to my facebookpage 2 get it.

Facebook day

2011-08-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

Just woke up, reflections of the pool in the ceiling. Decided 2 turn over and sleep some more.
Then Aloysius told me. Today is Facebook day. And it IS.

So all you readers, please be my friend HERE ON FACEBOOK.

*

Also I've been contacted for interviews. An LA based magazine, TV and a fashion magazine. Should I talk 2 them? I don't know.
Last month I've been talking to no-one but you, and I never felt as good. My words are yours. What should I do?
Love Anya

My first boyfriend

2011-08-03T04:05:00.000-07:00

(Pants - Miu Miu)

Sitting in my back yard under the walnut tree sippin' granny's last Madeira. Humid air, sounds of the city far away. It's four in the morning. The nights are so quiet here in Hollywood. Damp and dark like the breath of a sleeping drunk.

I'm wearing my granny's 50's Vuitton dress.
Imagining how she sat in exactly the same spot back in the days. Only, her company was Frank Sinatra's brother and mine is a packet of Benson & Hedges and anxiety. Perhaps the difference is not that big.

*

Black is still missing and of course Aloysius is beside himself.
I'm workin' all evening on the speech 4 the funeral but can't keep HIM out of my head.

*

Evan.
I was 10 when my brother died. For years my memories felt like fever dreams: faces, smells, sounds and places all mixed up.

I know I spent a lot of time in our back yard. Must have been like two years altogether, but I have no idea WHAT I did there.
Until one day HE appeared in front of me. By the yellow painted fence, smoking a Lucky Strike. He was a couple of years older than me, fourteen perhaps but 2 me he looked like 25.
"I've been watching you" he said.
"Uh-hu." I mumbled.
"You don't get out much."
"My brother" I said to make him shut up and leave me alone "died last year."
"Well" he answered "I'm sure if u just feel sorry enough 4 yourself he'll come back 2 you."
Then he threw the cigarette down and walked away, whistling.
I just stood there. Sun in my face, wind in my ears, heart throbbing.
That was the first time I saw Evan, but not the last.

Look behind you

2011-08-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

(Sweater - Rodebjer)

This morning I woke up with a weird feeling. Half asleep I climbed the canyon, almost reached the sign.
Now I sit here and watch the city inhale cars.
It's a lovely morning, ocean blue sky but all I see is the yellow fog on the horizon.

*

Black has disappeared. Said she was gonna go for a "walkabout". That was yesterday morning. I have no idea where she is.
As if that wasn't enough Aloysius is pestering me.
"You told her about ME." He whines. "You told her I love her and she ran away. Women always run away from men of strong feelings."
I tell him I didn't say a thing and that he is being paranoid.
"Well" he says "it's hard not 2 b paranoid when all womanhood is conspiring against me!"

*

And yeah - thought I saw Evan again, when I was on my way to the hill. Started walking up 2 him and then he turned and looked @ me.
"Trying to sneak up on me?" he said. It was an old man with a white beard.

Marriage and death

2011-08-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

I wake up to the sound of birds. The city hasn't even begun to heat up yet, but I can't go back to sleep. The FUNERAL is getting closer and it occupies my mind, like the troops of a foreign country.

In an attempt to fight the memories, me, Black and Aloysius decide to visit Silver Lake. After 3 glasses of Pinot on the rocks @ a small mexican bar I ALMOST forget about the funeral. Then Black suddenly points to something behind me, gets up and runs out, and as I turn around I can see the back of her (my) Charles Anastase dress disappear through the doors of a thrift store. Only seconds later she returns with a huge pink plastic bag in her hands.
"I found it" she shouts for the whole street to hear. "The perfect dress for the funeral!"

The "find" is a 50s wedding dress with all neon green flowers. My face goes blank.
"That's a wedding dress" I stammer.
"I know!" she says. "But I mean, isn't a funeral really exactly the same thing as a wedding, except that you celebrate one person instead of two… and that person happens to be dead.”
I try to make a sentence, but I'm out of words. Then my phone rings and saves me. It's the attorney!
"You won't believe this" he says "but..."

OH NO, now my stupid bear is making a scene (I think it's on purpose, he's always searching for "someone's" attention these days).

I'll have to continue this post later.

Aloysius' diagnosis

2011-07-31T12:16:00.000-07:00

I know you're all dying 2 hear what Aloysius told me two nights ago.

I've told you about his mood swings, outbursts and most lately - various diseases. I've been alternating between irritation and worry. But enough is ENOUGH, so when he broke all rules by running away, ordering 200$ worth of tequila and then throwing up on my McQueen dress, I made it clear that if he didn't tell me what was wrong I would put him in the shower. Then, in the dusky light of the Roosevelt Hotel, with shaky voice and breath reeking of tequila, he told me...

The reason for his behavior is called LOVE, and the object of his affection is BLACK.
Ha ha ha. Oh my stupid, stupid bear.

"Is this why you refuse to eat?" I asked him. "Is this why you've started to dress like Oscar Wilde's lover?"
He looked at me, insulted.
"No" he said "the reason I don't eat is that I think eating is bourgeois. And regarding my new look, lets just say that I'm not a child anymore."
"Ok" I forced myself not to laugh @ his pompous voice "but why didn't you TELL me?"
"I didn't want to make you jealous!"
"But darling Aloysius." I said. "Why would I be jealous? You are like a brother to me."
"Sisters and brothers" he said and looked me in the eyes "can lust for each other, even fornicate. It's in the bible."
I pretended I didn't hear the last remark and told him I'm happy for him and that he should let Black know. But THAT he of course wouldn't do. Instead he spent the entire DAY yesterday in front of the mirror, brushing his fur and adjusting the ridiculous bow tie she gave him.
"You've had that thing on 4 two weeks now, don't you think it starts to look sorta worn out?" I asked him this morning.
"This thing" he responded with an arrogant voice "makes this little bear look like a true grizzly."
I looked at the stained piece of cloth.
"Really?" I said. "Who told you?" But I already knew the answer.

Oh christ. I don't know what is worse - him being sick or him being in love.

Childhood

2011-07-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

(Skirt: céline.)

TODAYS OUTFIT: head among the clouds.

Disappearance and an almost heart attack

2011-07-30T03:55:00.000-07:00

What a night:

8 PM. Me and Black are in need of a break from the madness in my backyard (I'll tell you more about that… And Mr Mysterious/Sombrero guy and granny's will later), so we go for a few drinks @ the Roosevelt.
When the alcohol from four Bloody Marys runs through Black's veins she asks:
"Where's Aloysius?"
I stare @ his empty chair. Filled with panic I get up, find a security guard and press a 100 dollar bill in his hand, and as if by a stroke of magic EVERYONE is looking 4 my bear. Finally, when I'm already in tears, a bartender comes over with Aloysius in his arms.
"Is this yours?" he says.
I nod.
"Then I guess you owe me 180 dollars."
The insolent bear had managed to down four tequila. And he hadn't been satisfied with straight tequia. Oh NO. He had ordered 20 year Sauza Bianco @ 10$ per centiliter.
I'm so upset I don't even know if I'm angry or what.
"YOU STUPID BEAR" I scream while shaking him "Don't EVER do that again."
But he doesn't respond.
"Jesus, just tell me what's WRONG? Why are you doing all this?"
He gazes @ me and then @ Black, and then it looks like he's thinking.
"Ok" he says looking straight @ me "I'll tell u, but only 2 you, and I have to whisper."
"Sure" I say and he leans close to my ear.…
Ha ha ha. Its just to crazy.
You want 2 know what he said?

(Updated) The big revelation

2011-07-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

(Updated, really yesterdays post, but things happened. Tell u l8tr)
*

Wake up in a haze to a purple sky. KEY still clutching in my hand.
I walk over to the window, like in trance, only to find myself staring directly @ HIM. The guy from yesterday.

Still wearing the sombrero and still out there violating my yard and... pushing a lawn mover!?
I put on my Surface 2 Air pants and a t-shirt, walk down the stairs and out in the garden.
"Hey" I shout "what do you think you're doing?"
He points to the lawn mover and then 2 his ears as if he can't hear me. I walk over and turn off the machine.
"I said, what do you think you are doing?"
He looks at me, like he saw me 4 the first time.
"I" he says "am cutting the grass."
I bite my teeth.
"I can see that, but why on earth do you think gives you the right to break in and cut other peoples grass?"
He looks @ me like I'm a stupid kid.
"Hard work is good for u" he says. Then once again he let his eyes sweep across my body "you should try it sometime."
"That's not the point I…who the hell ARE you?"
"Well" he says "that's what they used to ask Stalin, and I can just repeat his words; a person can never be defined in so easy terms."

But I'm not listening. Suddenly it's like all dots in my head are aligned and I see the pattern.
It's night now
The golden key
The sombrero and...
Mr Mysterious

*

Look I'm a country now! http://www.sharenator.com/w/pneumoniawhite.blogspot.com

*

Next step, I guess, is to find out more about him. I'll ask Black to help me. The only thing I'm sure of is: I have seen Mr Mysterious before. But where?)

Update: An Alexander McQueen party and a weird dream

2011-07-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

Photos from a project I'm doing right now. Do you recognize the bloggers? 10 golden blessings for the first one who does.

Light blue sky, like an ocean grave or the eyes of Madame du Barry. Granny's back yard is ominously quiet. I'm sipping my Madeira in a slow pace but my heart beats like a hunted bird's.
What a weird and dreamlike day so far, and it's only noon! When I have regained my mind I'll share the details with you, but until then:

*

I've been invited 2 a strange party in NY by Alexander McQueen in New York. They say I'm a star, and that the party is "Only 4 the perverted". Hmm...

*

Some gallerist liked the photos of my favorite bloggers (above) and wanted them to be featured @ an exhibition for Shane Wests birthday party @ Bardot.
"Shane West birthday"Black shouted from the bathroom. "That's so exciting I'm even gonna postpone my suicide plans!"

*

And oh - Aloysius is NOT getting better. After the episode on the lawn with Mr Mystery (I will tell you more soon) I went straight up to my Bear, woke him up and asked if he knew who was outside moving our lawn, but he just looked @ me with this haughty stare.
"The question of who is moving your owners lawn" he said in that stupid british accent he always uses when he wants to hurt me "is somewhat secondary when u are dying."

*

Oh well. So many things happening right now.

The key 2 the mystery

2011-07-28T02:20:00.000-07:00

Me and Black by the pool.
It's late now and Bel Air is sleeping. Aloysius is inside tucked up in bed, still ill. Grinding his tiny teeth. Dreaming about whatever sick bears dream about.

We listen to the soft sounds of the night, crickets and cars far away on Cahuenga. I wear my gray McQueen and Black's dressed in…I don't know…some weird thing she found @ the vintage store downtown. Can't explain it…looks like the remnants of McQueen perhaps.

On the table between us, Chesterfields Reds and half bottle of Madeira.
Black takes a cigarette, lights it, inhales and blows the gray smoke towards the black sky.
"So" She holds the golden key into the light. "where do YOU think it fits?"
But forgive me. I'm tired and a little drunk and getting ahead of things. Let me tell u from the beginning.

*

It all started when me and Black got home an hour ago.
I parked the Camaro on the street, got out and then I suddenly saw this tiny golden key lying on the street. I picked it up. The metal cool against my skin. Drunkenly, in sort of a haze, I studied it like it was some kind of sign, and I am about 2 say something when Black points to a shadow just inside the gates and we open them and the auto floodlights is turned on, revealing a skinny guy in jeans, a tank top and a huge yellow Zapata sombrero sitting on the ground in the middle of the small gravel pathway leading up 2 the house.
In his left hand he holds an empty bottle of Jack. In his right, a small green Maracas.
"Excuse me" I say. He doesn't move.
"EXCUSE ME!" I say it a little louder and kick his left foot with my right one.
He looks up @ me. Stares @ me sort of absent minded 4 a moment. Then tips his hat.
"Ma'am, You're excused" he sez.
Then tilts his head down so the face disapears behind the hat. For a moment it's quiet again.
"I don't mean 2 b rude" I tell him "but this is MY house. You are sitting on MY property."
No answer.
"You can't SIT here" I say a little louder "It - is - MY - house."
No answer.
"I'll call the Pol..."
He slowly looks up again, straight @ me, his drunken eyes full of contempt.
"Has anyone ever told u" he says while staggering 2 his feet "that YOU are a LOUSY conversationalist."
He takes a few steps towards me and Black, then raises his right arm.
"All I ever wanted" he says "is to have some goddam PEACE and SILENCE and then they gimme THIS."
He shakes the green maracas in front of our faces a couple of times, then turns away and starts to walk TOWARDS the house.
I look @ Black with a face like: What is HAPPENING but she just shrugs. And then, as I watch the shadowy figure disappear around the corner I get this weird feeling of having seen that person before somewhere.

Then Black takes my hand, hiding the key between our palms. Her eyes beams with excitement.
"So where do YOU think it fits?"
But, no, that's NOT when it all started.

*

It actually started even earlier. This night. Me and Black, dressed like movie stars in Dolce Gabbana and Gaïa, @ the Chateau. We sip blood red sangria in a crowd of Khaki colored Valleypeople. Black laughs as I tell her…

…as I tell her how Daddy once knew one of the staff @ the Chateau, an old black guy with a tiny gray moustache, and how the guy always lend us the keys 2 the secret garden behind the lower part of the hotel where tiny but magical creatures like elves hid from Hollywood. How WE used 2 hide there as well. Just me and dad and Viktor, far away from mom's rage, until she had that forth martini she needed to survive "a world populated to 99% by idiots and the last percent by criminal idiots".

(I actually read about that garden the other week in a magazine. The article says: it belongs to the Chinese garden suites and was famous in the sixties as the place where an aging Sinatra used to fuck the wives of Burbank producers two @ the time. Which I guess is sort of what daddy told me, but in a nicer way than the tabloid.)

I tell Black that the last time me and dad went there I hid the key behind a stone in the wall, so that someday I could return. Her face shines with excitement.
"We must find the key" she says.
And then. In the dusky dawn we sneak between the attorneys, over the lush grass and into the shade by the wall which 2 my disappointment consists of approximately 1 billion bricks. I sigh, but Black's face still glows.
"Oh my god" she says "just look @ this, the key must b behind one of the stones!"
And without hesitation she starts to pull bricks out of the wall 2 find it.

*

Now we're back in the garden, staring @ the corner where Sombrero just disappeared. Blacks face is shining again, as she was looking @ the key.
"That's the thing with symbols" she's laughing now "I mean. When god wants 2 tell you something, he speaks in CAPITAL LETTERS"
I look @ the key.
"What do you mean?" I say.
"The key was not hidden behind a brick in the wall" she says, in a voice as if speaking to a very young child "There was NO need to push over that poor waiter or to be banned from the chateau. The key was here all along just in front of your doorstep."
"But where" I say "does it fit?"
"That is" she answers "the question."

Drama @ the hospital!

2011-07-27T14:27:00.000-07:00

We're in the small ward of Hope for Kids hospital. The sky outside the windows is watercolor blue but inside everything is white. The doctor gives me a serious look and tells me that there's nothing 2 be done, and my heart stops.
"N…n…nothing?"
"No" he says solemnly almost with a hint of anger "because this is a REAL hospital, and we don't treat teddybears."
I look around in the small room until I understand it must be Aloysius he's talking about. I show him the pad of 100$ bills Black convinced me to bring. He nods, still solemly.
"The advantages of America's system with private hostpitals" he says "is we can always make exceptions 4 the truly needy."

*

Now me and Black are in the car. Roof down. Aloysius is next to me, under two blankets, wearing a huge bandage. If he's feeling better though is hard to say.

*

No word from the attorney. The date for the funeral is still the 32:nd of august and he is still in Hawaii.

Is my bear dying?

2011-07-27T01:39:00.000-07:00

(Tonights outfit: star constellations. Dress from Dolce & Gabbana.)

Sitting in granny's old rattan chair by the pool under the stars. Aloysius rests under a blanket in my arms, half dreaming, half sleeping. His little body hot and sweaty. Heart ticking like a humming birds.
(As a soporific drug I gave him a tiny shot of Madeira. Now I'm having the rest of my bottle 4 myself)
I watch constellations of the night sky. Chained Princess, Little Bear.

*

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I have an appointment for Aloysius @ Hope for Kids tomorrow. I hope they'll find out what's wrong with him.

Aloysius is sick!

2011-07-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

(Dress: Marc Jacobs, White powder, Shoes: Vintage Vuitton)

Aloysius sickness is getting worse. I really don't know what 2 do. I thought he was getting better, but yesterday, when I was spying through the window to get a glimpse of Mr Mysterious he suddenly woke up in the middle of a nightmare. He sat up in the bed, made this horrible hissing sound. I tried to calm him but he pushed me away. He was all sweaty and spoke incoherently about how love and friendship always ended up hurting the animals good @ heart (and some rather NASTY things about women in general that I'll forgive him for, only because he was half asleep and it was his subconscious speaking and you don't have any responsibility over your subconscious).
The world is evil, he repeated.

I asked him to b more precise but instead he went back 2 sleep. This morning he had a terrible fever. I told him that he must drink (water!) but he refused. Said he had "nothing more 2 live 4".

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

L8tr today, me and Black are taking him to the children's hospital. Oh STUPID STUPID bear. I love him so much.

*

Also: Granny got ANOTHER invitation 2 Chanel. She must have been a good customer. Me and Black r thinking about it.

*

Oh, and please remember to like this on facebook below! Aloysius says only the posts with Black gets liked, and that I needn't post anymore about him, since bears have no use for "pity"

Is anybody here?

2011-07-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like my sentences echo empty in a huge vault. Like I am alone here, but I’m not, right? I can see you in my statistics, a tidal wave of numbers. But why are you so quiet?

When you write to me, I get all dazed. I wake up in the morning, my mouth taste like tar, and then I think about the fact that I at least have you. But now I don’t know. Are you even here?

(UPDATED: THANK u everyone that has written here, mailed or witten about me: You are the dreams. And without dreams, the dreamer is just sleeping. Now, I Can't help but to post some of the beautiful things you write about me!

http://textbook.tumblr.com/post/8083910943/pneumonia-white-worth-the-read
http://www.stylepage.com/p/pneumonia-white
http://aboutafantasy.blogspot.com/2011/07/pneumonia-white.html
http://www.pretaprotester.com/pretaprotester/2011/07/street-stalker-24-pneumonia-black-white-edt.html
http://accoudrements.blogspot.com/2011/07/theres-something-wild-about-you-child.html
http://thejazzemporium.wordpress.com/2011/07/21/all-sixes-210711/
http://thefashionworshiper.blogspot.com/2011/07/blog-crush-pneumonia-white.html
http://mypreciousconfessions.blogspot.com/2011/07/acid-dreams.html

Love and blessings 2 all of you!)

Night falls and a strange light

2011-07-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

(Dresses: Granny's nightgowns)

Darkness and a tar gray sky. Smell of orangeflowers and newly cut grass and...and something is happening in the backyard guesthouse! The little vine covered white house that's locked, but where I suspect Mr. Mysterious lives. First, when I was just about 2 fall asleep, strange silouettes danced on the ceiling, then I thought I heard a scream.

Half awake, half dreaming I went over 2 the window, pulled aside the white curtains. The yard was still in the moonlight. I was just about 2 go back to bed, then I heard it.

A loud thumping sound, then silence, then a weird giggling, like from a little girl. Then a muffled voice sounding like it spoke in german, then giggles, then silence. I'm sure it came from the house.

I tried waking Black, but it was just not possible. Then I GAVE IN and asked Aloysius 2 come with me. But he just looked @ me with that insolent stare he's been giving me the last couple of days and turned over and went back 2 sleep.

And I don't want 2 go out there alone. Jesus, what if it's a murderer, a burglar, or even worse, one of the neighbors.

The date that doesn't exist

2011-07-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

(Dress: Alaïa + Mask from 99 cent store + Grannys necklace)

I sit in the shade by the pool and stare @ the note. The 32nd of august is not a good date to set for anything (except maybe dying or have your heart torn apart). I have no clue why the Attorney picked that day. Perhaps he's just a man with no sense of time or direction.
There are signs of this. 4 example I've tried to reach him without success. The voice message on his phone says: "I'm on Hawaii on holiday and will be back July 28th. Aloha!"

Nice 2 hear 4 all the clients of a lawyer specializing in "funeral law".
Sometimes it feels like I live in another dimension. Where time moves in a different way, contrasts don't exist and everybody around me speaks in riddles.

*

Seems the only thing stable in this madness is Aloysius sulking.
I'm getting SO f****g tired of that bear. This morning I told him that if he didn't eat his Cocoa Pops I'd forcefeed him but he just gave me an insolent stare and said that he was "my toy bear and I could treat him to my own pleasure".

*

Also, I asked Black if she remember Evan or know anything about him, but she said no. There's too many things taking up space in my head right now.

Black the savior

2011-07-24T18:32:00.000-07:00

Me and Black @ Rodeo Dr, hand in hand, with hats on our heads and sun at our backs. Lately I've been possessed by a vague feeling of delusion, but shopping takes it away for a moment. However, Black had one too many glasses of Dom Pérignon @ Dolce&Gabbana and tried to "ascend" the chandelier.
Later we walked the battleground of dreadful shoes @ Guess. Black bought every pair and asked the confused salesclerk to throw them away, "so no poor drunkie happens to buy them."
Thank god she didn't enter Chanel.

Back to White for Amy Winehouse

2011-07-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

(Dress: Vintage Valentino + Alex&Chloe necklace)

1983. The year 25 members of the Red Brigades were imprisoned for live. The year the first woman entered space.

1983. The year Amy Winehouse was born.

Amy once said she'd already been to hell. Now she's in heaven. Black is the color of grief, but for Amy we dress in white.

I want to do something to honor her. Do you want to join me? Take a picture of yourself dressed in white, let your heart sing and share the lyrics. Publish the post, name it "Back to White for Amy Winehouse" and comment here with your link. I’ll choose 5 ppl to be featured on my blog.

*

”I don't ever want to do anything mediocre. I hear the music in the charts and I don't mean to be rude, but those people have no soul. Learning from music is like eating a meal.. you have to pace yourself. You can't take everything from it all at once. I want to be different, definitely. I'm not a one trick pony. I'm at least a five-trick pony.”

Promote Pneumonia Party day!

2011-07-24T02:15:00.000-07:00

It is quiet. Outside the windows the sky above the canyons is dark, filled with zinc-gray clouds. Black is already asleep beside me. Aloysious by her side, grunting far away in his bear dreams. No sign of Mr. Mysteriuos and two more phonecalls from granny's attorney. My life is turning into a weird dream that I can't control, but tonight I don't care. I've been sittin' here reading mail and letters from YOU.

It's so weird to know that people from all over the world read my words and even LIKE them. I've now dedicated a special section to YOU.

I've also gotten a LOT of mails from companies claiming I'm "hype" wanting to promote me. But actually, that just scares me.

Instead I want to ask all YOU readers that hasn't already started dreaming my dream. Join my monsters. Help tell the world about this. Link to me, tell friends about me, tweet about me or like my posts on Facebook.

I couldn't have guessed how good it feels to have people understanding. But it does, and now you are my drug. I need more.

Love
/Anya

Mr. Mysterious fatal Error

2011-07-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

Good news!
You know I've been telling you about the mysterious lodger in granny’s guestroom in the left wing. I've gathered some clues, but far from anything crucial. Like, he eats bear food and owns a Persian cat. I've suspected our gardener, and even Black, but this morning, something happened!

It started by me finding a note on the kitchen table.
"Dear idiot!
If you must insist on proving to the world that you are an intellectual wannabe with father issues, I beg u do it with something causing less collateral damage than playing Sjostakovitj #5. Actually I beg u 2 move out and never 2 come back."

The note itself wasn't that much of a clue BUT it was held to the table by an empty bottle of Madeira wine, and THAT is the wine that I drink. And the reason that I drink it is that my family drinks it. In fact, my family is the only people left in this world who still drinks Madeira!

Ergo: Mr. Mysterious MUST be a relative!

***

Btw: New to this. What bloggers should I follow?

Things are getting unreal

2011-07-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday @ a dark cafe in Los Feliz: a prehistoric scent of dust and tobacco. Attorney wears the same checked suit that reeks of sweat as he always does. I wear my white Charles Anastase "Virgin Dress". With sleeves dipped in red wine I feel like a hurt fairy.
"Did you bring the guest list?" I ask him, like I'm talking about some fancy event and not the funeral of my granny. He hands me a soiled paper and I eye through it; me, Black, the gardener, a bunch of granny’s old friends, some distant relatives and HIS name. It hits me like a shot of absinthe. I just stare at a square of the attorney’s ugly suit.
“Are you okay, Miss?” The attorney asks me. I manage to nod.
“I'm… Great! Then I guess you have it all, I’ll call you if something comes up!”
He cheers and starts to wail towards his unexpectedly fancy car.
“Oh, I almost forgot. You're going to hold a speech” he says, turns around, hands me a paper and then walks away.
"Wait!" I shout. "This is just a blank paper." Attorney stops. But he doesn't look at me.
"All good speeches start that way." He says in a weird tone.

*

(But THAT name on the list. E Hunter. He was the love of my life. I’m confused. WHY would granny want HIM on her funeral? Is this how it is when people laughs from heaven?
I'll tell you more tomorrow. Hope you can HELP me sorting this out.)

See how they fly

2011-07-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

(Dress - Kain. Glasses - Cutler and Gross)

TODAYS OUTFIT: swan lake #2

Chanel No SS

2011-07-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

The Chanel party. Just as luxurious as the invitation suggested. Hidden in the garden behind the store. Lush greenery. Scents of flowers and perfume. String Quartet playing Bach in front of grannys old friends. More war diamonds than in the Sierra Leone town hall.

Four VERY smily women welcomes us. Me in my Dior and Black in some weird army suit.
"So happy you could join us!" They smile and try not to look @ Blacks outfit.
"Just give us the champagne" black snorts.

After about eight glasses more, the well-combed staff looks sort of reluctant to come Blacks way. Black waves, but gets no attention. She turns towards the SMILING guy in front holding some speech about what a CREATIVE woman Coco was. How her sense of style dragged her from her misery. I see how Blacks eyes get darker.
"You could say a lot of Coco" Black shouts "but she wouldn't have let her party guests go thirsty!"
The audience turns towards us. 200 disgusted eyes.
I want to disappear, vanish, but the guy don't lose a beat.
"So you like our champagne" he begins, with a sardonic voice, but he has missed on Blacks mood.

"Yeah we like champagne" black interrupts him. "But yours? Well I guess you are right about Cocos CREATIVITY. I mean how she used the Nazi occupation of Paris to fuck half the occupation government and @ the same time get control of some lucrative perfume business by having the owners sent of to Auschwitz and their shares given to the "aryan" Coco. I mean, it's THEIR perfume money that still pays for this party, so just GIMME some fucking CHAMPAGNE will you?"

While the smiling ladies (not smiling anymore) are leading us out, Black seems in a festive mood.
"Thank you ladies" she says "I'm sure Coco would appreciate your sense of tradition, I mean the fact that you all still are FASCISTS here!!"

(And readers: how do you like this? I'm hesitating to write everything black does, it's like she does more outrageous things just because she knows I'll write about it. Like she's starting to act like a character in a book or something? What do you think?)

Something is wrong

2011-07-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

Back home I just stare at her in confusion and suddenly I notice. It's something with her eyes, an hazy sharpness that I can’t remember from when we were young.
"Please Black,” I say "if something happened when I was away you must tell me."
"Something happened?" she mocks me "Happened like sex? Oh I know what you wanna hear… so it was @ Bardot. Me and Perez Hilton had just..."
I shrug trying not to laugh.
"Seriously" I say "if there is something..."
"Ok YOU tell me" she snaps "tell me about Viktor. Tell me about how he used to read night time stories for you while you crossed seas in a bird of steel. Tell me about his smile, about his…"

But I don't hear her anymore. I'm out of the room.

*

Why is she like this? It's like the only thing we can do is to party. As soon as something even vaguely serious comes up she runs away.

*

Well. If that's the way it's going to be, fine! Tomorrow we're going to Chanel’s Party @ Rodeo Drive. I've gotten a hand written invitation. Well, ok, it's for granny, but I'm the heir, right?

The Vale of Rest

2011-07-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

(Dress + jacket - Dolce & Gabbana SS11)

Black has gone to meet her family and left me all alone. My head is sore but my mind is enlightened from yesterday at Paul & André. In the middle of the night I got this strange call, I can’t tell you yet what it was about, but it has to do with granny. Made me wake up in a sad mood. Now I’m on my way downtown to shop for funeral clothes.

TODAYS OUTFIT: swan lake

Black's secret weapon

2011-07-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

(Vanessa Bruno dress + J.W. Anderson necklace)

Black enters the door. Light fabric in bloom flowing behind her. A vague scent of cigarette smoke and Opium. She wears nothing but grannys rabbit slippers and an open morning gown.
"Attorney guy told me to give you this." She hands me a note.
I read it. The date of the funeral has been moved. To 32th of august. I look @ her and then @ the note.
"But this is crazy! Did you tell him I wanted 2 speak 2 him?" I say. She nods.
"I did!" She says. "But he seemed, like, stressed or something."
"Mhmm." I look @ her tits. "And you wore only that?"
"No." She smiles. "I didn't actually have time 2 put ANYTHING on. This I picked up on my way back."

So I had 2 call the attorney 2 make an appointment. It's tomorrow @ two. I'm going to ask him if he knows anything about Mr Mysterious.

Shadow figures, dream no. 2

2011-07-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday @ the Marmont: met beautiful ppl. Black traded (someone else's) olives for cigarettes and drank maybe ten vodka tonics.

*

Everything should be all shimmery, but I’ve had a strange feeling with Black lately. When I ask her something that has to do with reality she just changes the subject. What happened when I was away?

Since the day she threw grain on my window this weird dream has been haunting me: Me and Black, in some sort of video game world, dressed as samurais. Neon purple buildings, roofs shaped as Kremlin in Moscow. But I know that we're in Prague. From nowhere the bicycle ppl from the Wizard of Oz appear and start hunting us down. We're climbing the streetlight cables, balancing on tiny strings. It's night, the rain falls and all of a sudden, Black slips...

Last night I woke up and found myself sitting wedged in the corner of my room. Aloysius noticed. Sat with me the rest of the night and held my hand. Dried my tears.

*

Now I'm seeing HER through the window, dressed in granny's old Kenzo kimono. An odd expression on her face, looking as beautiful as ever.

Planets

2011-07-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

(Me: Theyskens' Theory jacket. Black: Salvation Army)

Now we gonna get dressed for Marmont!

Barbosa

2011-07-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

Drove to the 99cent store and filled the truck with everything from root beer to water pistols, placed a few tables on the lawn and painted a sign. ”Seven11 - Black & White edition” in glitter colors. Dressed in couture Versace and a Darth Vader mask, Black knocked on every door in the neighborhood and handed out discount cards.
”A new store just opened around the corner! It has everything you will ever need AND more!” She shouted in their faces.

But it went all to blazes. We didn’t sell a thing. Probably because no one knew the secret password for entrance.

"Idiots." Black whispered to me. "Barbosa - how can ppl NOT get that? It's so easy."

When the heat of the Darth Vader disguise got unbearable we decided to declare bankruptcy. Gave all the stuff to the gardener. He threw them in the bin.

*

Tonight double sided Pneumonia hits Chateau Marmont. Will I see you there?

Cure 4 cancer

2011-07-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

@ the master balcony, we drink our absolute tonics like two old ladies while sun burns our pale faces. Talk about granny, how she used to take us to Malibu Lagoon and let us eat as many Milky Ways as we wanted.

“What have you been doing Black, since I left?” I ask her. She sits quiet for a moment, then gulps her drink down and bursts out:
“Can't we do something FUN? Fashion alcoholism feels SO yesterday” looks me straight in the eyes and continues like she just discovered the cure for cancer. “Let's open a 7-Eleven!”

(Investigation of the giraffe turned out to pay off - now we have our secret ingredient to make this business a success.)

A mexican surprise

2011-07-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

Last night me and Black followed grannys suspicious MEXICAN GARDENER. Silent under stars like shadow cats along the dark streets of old Bel Air, cross the glittering Sunset Boulevard and into the smelly backalleys until he entered a shady Dive bar north of Cahuenga. And there we sat. For 4 hours, watched him silently downing one Corona after another while watching some dog-racing on the bars old TV.

After another hour of no mafia, fist fights or shoot-outs Aloysius fell asleep on the sidewalk and Black was so drunk that I decided it was time to head back home.

While my bear and bff continued the night with rapping along to 99 problems I went inside to get some ice and there- in the middle of the living room a new object had appeared: a gigantic wooden giraffe that wore some sorta weed perfume.

Ok. Obviously, Mr mysterious cannot be the gardener. So who is he?

*

Thank you Supernova for your kind words.

Evening scene

2011-07-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

Home sweet home. Black and I have wine and sweets for dinner. She's everywhere; balancing her glass on her finger tips, quoting Kierkegaard. Next moment braiding my hair.
I decide to mention the mysterious guest, which results in her dropping everything in her hands. Wine-stained Vivienne Westwood and wine-stained porch. Looks like fresh blood.
"It's the gardener who lives a double life! Let's investigate!" She whispers in the loudest of voices, all excited.
Disguised in cat masks and black armor we start to follow him through shady back streets and sunny boulevards.

*

I'll update you as soon as I have more info. Love.

Dive

2011-07-17T17:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday. When darkness sneaked up on us we drove downtown where they filmed a new season of Jersey Shore. Cute dogs with unpretentious haircuts, an army of polite homeless ppl and free jello shots @ The Standard. "To try out real life" as Black put it (but sometimes she just speaks in a foreign language). She was on the move. A translucent water gun loaded with Vodka in one hand, Aloysius in the other.

Now. Rooftop afternoon. Aloysius confuses water with poison. Glances @ me with eyes of desperation and sadness. I give him an encouraging smile.
"You must let the fear swallow you." Black whispers dramatically.

And suddenly a hazy memory hits me. It had been two weeks since we left Venice (not the beach but the Italian city built on water and hubris) for LA. I laid on granny's driveway in an attempt to melt away, when a thin figure leaned over me. Switched off the sun.
"Come on lazy." She said and handed me a worn edition of Crime and Punishment. "I'm gonna learn you how to fly."

Orchid

2011-07-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

(Lace jackets - something mom made)

"I'm about what goes through people's minds, the stuff that people don't want to admit or face up to. The shows are about what's buried in people's psyches."
McQueen

The mystery grows

2011-07-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

Woke up in a cocoon of silk and silence. Walls decorated with sunlight and distorted shadows. I made my way to the kitchen where I found a note.
"My Coco Pops are NOT common land"
Me and Aloysius searched the house for whoever wrote it, but as usual saw no one. Not even Black (she was out on one of her morning "power walks" that, I hate 2 say, are starting 2 upset the neighborhood). I tried to feed Aloysius the last cereals, but he refused to swallow. At least I have one new vital clue: the mysterious guest eats not only red velvet cake. He also eats teddy bear food.

*

Two hours later. Me and Black drink tall coffees in the shadow of the palm trees @ Bel Air Blvd. Black is a hallucination in blue lipstick. Caught in our euphoria she sprinkles our happiness onto strangers.
"Love your style darling, very Freud…ish!" she sings to a guy with a huge hat. "What's that supposed to symbolize?"
I just sit with a cigarette between my unpainted lips and smile.

*

Tonight we'll try something we haven't 4 a long time.

*

Btw: please comment! I see you in my statistics, but our world is built by words, not numbers.

Three is a crowd

2011-07-15T16:24:00.000-07:00

(Me: Viktor’s favorite tee and a skirt/mantle that is some old Kenzo thing I found in granny’s wardrobe.
Black: Tee from Comme des Garçons and a headpiece she found on the street)

Argh. Seems like no good thing can enter my life without dragging a whole wagon of problems with it. Now it's Aloysius. He hasn't eaten all day, not even his Coco Pops. When I speak to him he doesn't answer, just sits sulking in a corner. I'm starting to think he just can't stand me being happy.
But happy I am. Me and Black spent the day shopping and drinkin' Pinot down in Silver Lake. I got a new jacket from McQueen and a hat from the 99cent store. Black got three bottles of Rum.
Now we're gonna watch some Audrey Hepburn movie.

Ps. I'll pick the winner of this treasure on Monday.

Bel Air morning sun

2011-07-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

I wake up early with “sleeping like a baby” next to me. We eat breakfast on the roof and then decide 2 explore our strange lush Bel Air backstreets. Sun high and bright, it's a weird feeling to walk in granny’s footsteps. (When I was a kid and walked the same streets with my hand in hers, everyone from the Billion $ Producers to the Mexican gardeners used to wave happily @ us.) Today no one waves, but one man grabs Black's wrist and whispers that she “looks very chic”.
"Did you hear him?" Black smiles @ me. "He said I look cheap!"

*

As to the MYSTERIOUS guest there's no sign. But he MUST have been here again, since the weird pile of objects in the living room has increased dramatically.

Tonight we'll meet up with a new friend that runs Dolce & Gabbana in Rodeo drive. Later!

*

PS. Following me HERE ON GOOGLE gives you good luck for a week (I'm full of white magic)

Olivia and dream no. 4

2011-07-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

At the Astoria I took this photo of me and the beauty Olivia Lopez.

Olivia is dressed in hand made lace from Verona (Pizzo) the same as Alaïa tried to buy for his SS2010.

Now me and Black are on our way 2 some party downtown where Aloysius have promised 2 teach Will Ferrell to drink like a man.

Competition Hermés Fleurs De Lotus 1971

2011-07-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

UPDATED: I've gotten so many answers I have a hard time choosing. Please help me by voting 4 the best entries in the commenst below.

I've gotten so much LOVE from you all these days that Aloysius says I'm getting conceited. To show the stupid bear wrong, I've decided to give away one of the scarfes I found in grannys Wardrobe. It's a 1971 Hermés scarf with Lotus Flowers, the same kind Jacqueline Kennedy used to wear when she sneaked out those rainy November evenings to cheat on the president.

Just write how you should wear it, and it might be yours.

Hollywood

2011-07-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Black convinced me to say yes to one of all the invitations I've been getting since I came back, so as darkness fell we hit Hollywood. First Paul & Andrés - a tiny place hidden behind some dumpsters on Cosmo Street.

Black worked the room like a dark tornado with a cigarette between her lips, chatting with everyone in sight. Aloysius were happy as a camper and sipped his Gin like Joey Bishop in The Deep Six. After an hour he got so drunk and obnoxious that "Paul" (politely) had to ask us to leave. And I suddenly remembered why I don't allow the stupid bear to drink hard liquor.

Black moving in

2011-07-13T14:47:00.000-07:00

Just woke up in my own bed. Air smelling of summer and Black’s YSL Opium. Same reflections of the pool dancing in the dusty ceiling and same sense of lonlieness, but then I turn and I see Black sleeping. Mouth open and Aloysious clutched in her arms.

We get up and find my Mexican gardener dancing around on the lawn, listening to Bowie’s Changes and singing (screaming) along. Maybe my happiness is contagious.

Anyway, now we're of to get Blacks stuff. Cause yesterday we decided that she should move in with me and throw some life in this ghost house.
I'm looking forward to meeting her mother again. She's a lady who’s dressed in these sort of diamanté jeans Victoria Beckham would love… doesn’t that say it all?

Tonite black has convinced me to accept the inivitation to some "cool" party where the DJ apparently has DJ:d for Queen Victoria (not the Beckam one, but the one of the house of Windsor). Perhaps we can hope for some Pomp and Circumstance for Aloysious?

Talk soon!

Happy

2011-07-12T19:20:00.001-07:00

Sitting in the shadow of the steaming Silver Lake sun. Should really be shopping clothes for granny's funeral, but instead I rest here under an almond tree with birds flocking around my feet.

It’s so weird. My love is back. My Helen of Troy. If it weren't for the fact that she's right here in front of me walking around in circles on the sidewalk, taking pics of the plebs and noblesse I wouldn't believe it.

Maybe I'm still a little dizzy from the non-stop talking about everything that's happened the last five years. OR the zero sleep. OR the fact that the only substances that has entered my body today is one bottle of chilled pinot and the smoke from one packet of Marlboro Lights.
Anyway. Black is here and she is smiling, with her lips colored by last night's Pinot grapes and cheap Tesco lipstick. Watching her passing out (my) 20$ bills to the homeless (and not homeless) I am, for the first time in as far as I can remember, happy.

Blackout

2011-07-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

Kids, are you up yet?
The weirdest thing just happened last night. I left the Chateau early. Too many memories of butterflies. Then the scene is me sittin' in front of the MacBook upstairs in the dimly lit room touching myself to Altuzarra SS11 when grain on glass gets my attention.

And there. Outside at the LED-lit porch is SHE. Long brown hair, a pre-Raphaelite painting. She's wearing some kind of Kimono and a sailors-hat.
My heart, as always, is rockin' out of control.
"Hello YOU" she sings, "…You’re so fucking special! But I’m a creeeeep, I’m a weirdoooo!”
Then she smiles a smile that can cure cancer.

And now, as I'm changing clothes she's downstairs in the kitchen putting the ice in the Pinot.

Tonite Hollywood need to keep it's guard up.

Cool

2011-07-11T23:47:00.001-07:00

2005. When the structure of math or the insanity of religion appeared to be real we left the classroom (Black like a tempest and me like a breeze) for some SS Ann Demeulemeester at Barneys. She used to steal a box of Vosges Haut that we shared while walking down Wilshire Blvd.

Eight years later outside the same Barneys. 81 degrees and I don't eat expensive chocolate but smoke six Camel Blue. As I enter the doors the blood in my veins turns into ice tea.
"Can I help you miss?" The salesclerk asks.
"I'm looking for something cool to wear at my grandmothers funeral." I say.
Maybe I should get a cloud from Margiela Fall 2009 to hide my head from ppl who don't understand me.

Homecoming dream

2011-07-11T12:40:00.001-07:00

Woke up at 11 by reflections of the pool dancing above me on the ceiling. Filled with a strange sadness I put on my Celine dress and slippers and walked down to the café. Air sweet of flowers and exhaust fumes and freshly grinded arabica. It's where me and black used to have our mornin' cigarett but she isn't there either (where IS she?). Instead a guy that introduces himself as an "Entourage actor" sits by.
"Whaddya readin?" he asks.
"Emily Dickinsson." I tell him. He nods
"Isn't that the chick who killed someone."
And they say americans don't know literature. Only they speak in difficult metaphors.

As I walk home I'm struck by how much I MISS her. I'm starting to think maybe she was just a dream, like my brother or the rest of the world. But then I see her scars on my arm and know she's still out there somewhere.

*

I'm goin to swing by her old house. Maybe they know something.

*

By the way, if you live in LA why not swing by @ the Marmont tonite! I'll meet some friends and take pictures

Pneumonia Black

2011-07-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

We used to sit at the little junction between Sunset and the 101 for hours. Eyes red. Hers by chemicals, mine by tears. We sat in silence. (Speaking would only be like opening up a bird's chest to show it's heart, when all you really need knowing is that it's alive. I mean. We could both hear it. The flustering tickticktack - an unmistakable promise about tomorrow.)
Now I'm there… in that vast lonely space after the war, and all I can do is sigh. Enemy dead. But I guess this is exactly the desolate quiety that birdheart had been bleeding 4 it's whole life.

One of the nights she suddenly got up. Before I could reach her she ran straight into the traffic. A dark electron between flashing lights and the screaming cars and then everything stopped except 4 her legs.
My heart floated in the sounds. Screaming tyres and inflated lunges, and I knew that if something happened to her, I would die as well and then, as by magic, she was on the other side. Grinning happily and waivin.

Later that evening at the Perro Del Mar (the only place who would let us in) I forced her to vow that if she ever did something like that she must bring me with her and then, outside the pub, in the neon lights and fog, I kissed her for the first time and she said "I promise white one"

Black, my Achilles, where ARE u?

The night falls

2011-07-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

Seems everyone in the hills got a key to my door. They blow through the house like fallen leaves in autumn wind and help me to empty granny's vast stock of Chardonay. Yesterday it was the gardener and the attorney (that btw only needed a signature on some paper, peew) and this morning I discovered that someone must be living in the guestroom in the wing.

As far as I've discovered from my little Miss Marple tour of the mansion, the man is at least 6'7'', owns a Persian cat and only eats velvet cake.

And now, as night falls like an apple on Newton's head, someone just opened the door downstairs. Exciting!

(Btw, I must thank the beautiful www.thetrashedfashion.com for the love. White kisses!)

Purgatory

2011-07-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

(cardigan: YSL vintage + rest: thrift store)

Just came back from the Perro Del Mar Mexican bar where me and Black used to hang out as 14 year olds. A dirty little place at Sunset with a stuffed alligator hangin from the ceiling with a huge joint between his teeth. The bartender used to help us with our lab reports and drive us home after our eyes where blinded by the bootleg Tequila he kept 4 his preferred customers. Like Danny De Vito that used the place to get the kind of drunk that wheren't suitable in the garden parties of the hills.

But today the place was totally cleaned out. "Genuine mexican bar since 1892", special price on Corona but no sign of Black.

TODAYS OUTFIT: searching for heaven

Dreams of fields and fashion #1

2011-07-10T14:45:00.001-07:00

Dress: Mom's old Celine

I've been dreaming about the fields of my hometown in Karelia lately. Huge green fields under an empty summer sky.
In this first dream I was walking my neighbours dog. A huge black Doberman.

The dog was strong and wild and I could barely hold her as she dragged me by the leash through the damp grass and the poppy flowers. But as soon as I let go of the leash she would instantly stop, return to my feet and sit down quietly like a true lapdog.

After a while I understand she wants to tell me something. I follow her to this willow tree with bent old branches (I hadn't noticed the tree before, although it's right in the middle of the field.)
As soon as we're there she starts climbing the branches, higher and higher and I follow her through the thick green and the world dissapears under us. Suddenly we're right under the sky and I can see EVERYTHING from here but as I turn to the dog to thank her for showing me this she suddenly jumps of her branch and dissapears into the clouds beneath.

When I return to the neighbour with an empty leash and tell him what has happened he looks confused and points at the sofa where the dog is lying, sleeping.
I look down on my hands and notice that there’s no leash. Then I wake up.

Fallen angel

2011-07-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

(Chloé skirt + Proenza dress)

TODAYS OUTFIT: a funeral for the past.

Returning soldier

2011-07-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

Standin in front of the house I just inherited from granny. White spanish walls hidden in the lush greenery. I think of Pneumonia Black. It was the year of Christina Aguilera, Starbucks latte, Shrek 2, when Hilfiger used bright candy colors on bomber jackets and the xxxx.
Me and Black used to sneak into the neighbours garden, smoke dads bootleg Cohibas and drink Madeira whine.

My thoughs are interrupted by the mexican gardener. He's wearing a huge paisley fretted jacket. Sweat dripping from his forehead making new patterns on it.
He tells me the pros and cons of the neighborhood, just like the popular kids do with new students @ high school.

Pro: lots of gardening to do.
Con: only idiots live here. Especially the woman in 306. And everyone else.

I nod and tell him I hope not to spoil his description.

The progidal daughter

2011-07-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

TODAYS OUTFIT: Alaïa, pale skin and 10 ounces of wind.

Try to RELAX

2011-07-08T19:53:00.000-07:00

18.17 my plane lands @ Los Angeles international airport. Like a snake after hibernation I crawl into the light, and when my Karelian feet touch the boiling ground a wave of heat hits me like a wife abuser. I wear:
✝ A 1952 Italian straw hat to shield me from the sun.
✝ One pint of Gin to shield me from myself.

And as I gaze @ heaven I realize that for the first time in 4-ever, I AM HAPPY.
Then I catch my grinning reflection and remember: happy looks stupid.

I wonder what our old house looks like. I wonder if Pneumonia black is still sittin' on the pavement smokin cames without filters saving my life with every breath. I wonder what will happen 2 me.

Hussein Chalayan knows champagne

2011-07-08T15:50:00.001-07:00

Sittin' in the BA first class lounge @ JFK eating a "shrimp salad with thai spices" and drinkin' my third Heidsieck Blanc de Millenaires 1992 champagne tryin' to avoid the gazes from my pinstriped co-travellers. "Full international service on a domestic flight" the sign sez.

Boarding starts in 30. I bet there will be goat cheese tarts on the plane. And Champagne. I'm thinkin' of wearing my Soap Bubble dress to fit the (eight bottles of) champagne.

6h until I land in Los Angeles.

Making friends

2011-07-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

(70's Chanel blouse + Kmart skirt)

Now I'm gonna meet up with some bloggers and take their pictures. Tell you more very soon.

TODAYS OUTFIT: flightless bird.

Never walk out on a fox

2011-07-07T21:58:00.001-07:00

After being greeted in the street by a grey pigeon with a broken wing and two more texts from grans attorney I switched off my phone and decided to stay @ the Astoria all day.

As Marlene Dietrich once said: it's nicer to be suicidal @ some place fancy!

I undress in my room and have tea in the bathtub, pretending I'm Marilyn Monroe. (The Astoria Was the hotel of her dreams, but she ran out of cash and had to leave. There are too many mirrors here.)

9 hours to Los Angeles

A forgotten scent

2011-07-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

For breakfast I have two Alcoli Ginger biscuits and a triple espresso. I wear the red Olympia shoes and a sad face, read Nabokov and hope 2 match New York with a new level of dizziness.

Observation: How can society outlaws public nudity but allow people to walk around in clothes from Gap?

In 12 hours I'll be in Los Angeles, for the first time in five years.

Memories of the Waldorf Astoria

2011-07-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

As I exit the cab outside the Astoria the air smells sweat and candy like this city was dressed in worn out sugar (Margiela SS 2011), and suddenly I remember.

I remember how it used to smell when me, mom, dad and Viktor used to arrive @ hotels late @ nights, with the distant sounds of the city around me. Stars and my parents towering in front of me.

Back when mom was mom and dad was dad. (And not a (sometimes) recovering alcoholic and a corpse.)

Gran Canyon

2011-07-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

While I grab a taxi I'm still fascinated: not a paparazzi in sight.
On the other hand, I don't know why I still expect them, so far they have never shown up.

I take a sip from my flask with Madeira and tell the cabbie to drive slow. He nods, and accelerates like a racecar driver. The car smells of leather and old perfume. Outside the night is dark as water.

I wonder if grannies attorney will await me @ the hotel?
Then my cell beeps.
1 new message. Grannies attorney. Poor guy. Relatives must REALLY be bothering him.

NYC

2011-07-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

Hat - Versace. Dress - granny's wardrobe.

My name is Pneumonia White. After some lonely years in the north, me and Aloysius just landed @ JFK.

As I descend the damp stairs into the thick New Jersey night, four big black birds passes by just over us. Wings dark as italian velvet glistening in the airstrip floodlight. I turn on my phone. 3 new messages. All of them from grannys attorney.

I inhale the cool air. Something is about to happen.